I know pretty clearly what I'm looking for. I have no interest in settling. I'm happy being single. I'm feeling hopeless about ever finding what I'm looking for, though.
I'm mid 20s, female. I've been single for about 3 years now, after my first long term relationship ended. At first it was so hard (as my post history will reveal) but it got a lot better and my confidence has improved immensely over the past few years and generally I am extremely happy.
Over the past few months, I've started dating again and this has been a clarifying experience. I know very clearly what I am looking for. I have no interest in settling and getting into any old relationship. My time and my emotional energy is very valuable to me. I've made deeply emotionally close friendships over the past few years which have helped me develop standards for who I really want to form close relationships with. Basically I'm no longer in a position where someone being interested in me is basically the only criteria I am looking for. What I want is a nice, cute, sensitive, socialist boy with a lot of curiosity and a good sense of humor.
Personally, I feel I'm doing all I can to make myself available to a person like this. I am a very active organizer in my grad student union. (Just noting to clarify that I did not join my union and organize because I want to find a nice socialist boy; I joined it because I am a socialist and I think it's been one of the most personally meaningful things I've ever done. And I will keep doing it regardless of if I make friends or meet potential partners - though that's a nice benefit). I'm on online dating apps where I've spelled out explicitly what I'm looking for. I tend to be a bit picky about who I go out with because my time is limited (see: organizing and being in grad school). But if someone indicates they share the above criteria, then I prioritize meeting up with them in person. (I will say I find online dating frustrating because it lends itself to forcing intimacy; I really prefer to get to know someone as friends before dating. I've shifted my approach to online dating to keeping dates as low pressure as possible, trying to not even really see them as dates and more just getting to know the guy. But I find that guys don't necessarily see it the same way and even still it's just a bit weird to meet someone from an app designed for dating). I am generally friendly and open. I have had no problems with asking men out and have asked out several men in the past year who met the criteria I listed above.
I'm starting to feel pretty unlucky though. There are a few specific experiences I've had recently that I think are contributing to this feeling.
After a really fun night out with a very cute sensitive socialist boy in my department who I'd had a latent crush on for a while, I asked him out on a date and he agreed. We went out and had a really nice time, talked for hours, made out for a while, he walked me home. I asked him out again, we watched one of my favorite movies, and again we had a lovely time. A few weeks later, while I was away seeing family, he texted me saying he'd prefer to be just friends. This was several months ago now, and I felt very dejected. I've gotten over it to some extent now but I think it still lingers in the back of my mind.
I also have had a few string of recent experiences where I noted to a friend someone I saw at a union meeting who I thought was extremely attractive. In all of those cases, they told me that unfortunately those people were all already in relationships. These experiences have started to sting a bit, honestly - like I've already missed all the opportunities.
It also doesn't help that many of my friends and both of my siblings, who I am close to, are in long term serious relationships.
So basically, what I'm trying to sus out is: am I just extremely unlucky? I feel like I am doing everything that is often suggested here in terms of meeting people, and it seems like nothing has really panned out yet. But is there something I should be doing differently?
And if I AM just unlucky, how....do I deal with that? One of my friends recently suggested that she thinks I might just not be able to find who I'm looking for in the college town I live in. Her words were that I'm simply too cool for this place - which I know was kind and well-intentioned but made me feel worse because she found a partner here and many other people I know have found partners here. It doesn't seem impossible so I resent the idea that it's impossible FOR ME. But also she's correct; maybe it just won't work out for me here? I just feel very frustrated by that.
To be clear though, I'm not unhappy being single. I'm very happy! I've just finally figured out what I want and I feel ready for partnership and feeling kind of impatient, I guess. And afraid that I will not find what I'm looking for. Have you felt this way before?
Final note: I have an amazing therapist who I talk about this with frequently. We even developed a treatment plan together to help me develop better coping skills to deal with the anxiety that the uncertainty around dating raises for me and strengthen my self-esteem and self-love. Actually she's been telling me a lot recently that I've grown so much in the past year we've been working together, which I generally agree with. I plan to raise this topic again in our next session.
Thanks in advance |
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