How to be in a relationship with a partner who has a complicated co-parenting situation with their ex?
I have been dating my Partner for about 7 months. My Partner has an Ex (never married, were together for many years) with whom they share custody of Child, mostly 50/50, with no current formal arrangement but one that is in progress with a mediator. They have been split for a couple years. Adults are all 40s, child is elementary school aged–we are all in the same town.
Partner and I have been taking things slowly. We live separately and see each other once or twice a week. I have not met their child yet, and as of right now all adults agree that we will be waiting until we've been dating a year to begin that process. I do not have my own children (by choice) and Partner does not want additional children. Ex currently doesn't have a Partner nor is planning on having additional children that we know of. Generally speaking, I think I'm excited to eventually meet the Child and open to the potential of having them in my life.
Partner and Ex do not co-parent well. Both think the other is not a responsible parent FWIW from my admittedly limited perspective, my Partner is a great parent]. It is very contentious and there are so many disagreements and things that pop up weekly, some that have escalated quite a bit (including likely imminent CPS involvement). This dynamic has existed for the duration of my relationship with Partner. I have kept a reasonably neutral stance–I do not offer any advice and only seek to support my Partner. I also do not trash-talk the Ex or even offer my opinion really at all.
My Partner and I love each other and they are very sweet and we are very open and honest and communicate well, but again, we've taken it slow and haven't meshed lives at all (no deep future-planning). A lot of communication when we are apart is over text (bc that's what's convenient for us both), but I feel like I've cycled through all the 'that really sucks', 'I know you must feel so frustrated', 'I'm sorry you're going through this' generic validation platitudes and don't have much else to say/do. I have asked what kind of support they want from me, but they don't have much to say other than just a 'thanks for listening' kind of thing–and I don't want to press and add more to their plate by telling them that they need to tell me what to do.
But during the lows of the Ex dynamic (some weeks are better than others), I feel super on the outside like I can't do much but silently sit by and wait until things taper off and my Partner can turn their attention back to me somewhat. I fully understand that this is a serious situation that needs whatever energy my partner can give, but I'm starting to wonder what I should be doing or not doing.
I guess my question is what should I be doing to better support my Partner, protect myself, and grow our relationship? Or should I be doing none of these things and end it before it gets too complicated?
It feels like it will be, at best, years before these conflicts are resolved in any meaningful way. I fear when it's time to meet the child that I'm going to end up getting sucked into the drama. Should I be ending things before it gets to that point? I know it would devastate my Partner bc he has a very small support system and with school, under-employment, parent responsibilities and the co-parenting stress, that I'm one of the few things that bring him joy right now. He brings me a lot of joy as well, but I have a pretty full and happy life outside of him, so I know I'd be okay in the long run. Part of what I've been grappling with is if I'm 'too okay' in general and just a better single person than a relationship person. Is this 'normal' hard stuff that a happy and healthy relationship should be able to weather?
I've basically been using the metric of 'am I excited to see them again' for the basis of continuing the relationship so far, and the answer has always been yes. But again, we haven't done much meshing of lives yet (haven't met each other's families nor making plans to live together, etc). The hard stuff is really only starting, but I wonder should I be pulling out before I'm too deep in it, or should I be leaning in and doing more to support them? If the latter, what does that look like? What do I look out for to recognize when scales are tipping?
At this moment, I really want this to work out because I love having them in my life, but I know eventually I'll have to open this up to their child and their ex also, and have no idea what that looks like or if I should wait and find out.
I know this is all conversation to have with Partner, and we've been talking about this some, but it's also new territory for them since they haven't dated anyone seriously since Ex and they are preoccupied with the situation at hand right now. So for the purposes of this question, I'm in an information-gathering phase so I can continue to have productive conversations with my partner while we figure this out. *Please note that neither of us are in a place for any kind of couple counseling ourselves at the moment.
I'd love insight from anyone who is or has been in a similar situation. Also interested in forums/articles/relevant literature. |
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