I think I stepped on a toad, which has activated a spiral of self-hatred. I really like amphibians. I've been active with local toad rescue organizations this last year, so I've held a lot of these little guys, and I've fallen in love with them a little bit. I feel terrible now.
It was very dark (1 am), raining, and I was on a muddy path with three dogs. I felt something "give" and thought I heard the tiniest squeaking sound. I didn't look down right away because I know myself: Seeing an injured animal can render me useless for days, especially when I can't do anything to help.
I turned back after a few steps, and I saw a toad's silhouette, either wandering off and frozen in place because of my flashlight...or paralyzed/injured in some horrible way with its mouth open and leaning forward. I wasn't brave enough to go closer. I looked away quickly.
I now feel disgusted at myself, extremely sad, and nauseated (that last one probably partly because I slept very little last night due to a painful wrist injury, I've been feeling queasy all day). I can't sleep.
I can't stop thinking about this toad. I know from its size it must have been a female, probably already around six years old. And now because I failed to look where I was going, her life is over. Worse, what if she's still in horrible pain and dying slowly? It feels like I should have determined if she still has a chance, and otherwise killed her. But apart from that being illegal, I also know I just wouldn't have been able to.
What have you done in similar circumstances? I already messaged a couple friends who will understand and say comforting things, but it's the middle of the night.
I know there are many people who don't consider toads valuable or interesting. Feel free to imagine I stepped on a baby bunny instead. As long as you care about any animals at all, you can probably empathize with me. |
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