It feels like Groundhog Day but with more back pain. Need help getting out of this loop.
So I started a new job (see previous questions) and transitioned from WFH (RIP to that lifestyle) to being in person fully with a commute. Update, the commute is really not bad! I'm glad I tried it and did not listen to Reddit.
The first week in my new job I was doing great (as I expected) — commuting actually seemed to help with my routine and forcing me to be "off" when I got home. I was prepping lunch, laying out outfits, doing my nighttime routine, and going to bed on time.
But (as I expected) it only lasted a week. The newness wore off.
I got back in the habit of my WFH routine where I would get done with work, collapse on the couch, forget to eat, and fall asleep without washing my face or brushing my teeth or wearing a CPAP. And I wake up feeling horrible and in pain and thus, start my day off badly. I don't have time for breakfast, I haven't picked out my outfit, I'm running late.
I'm so tired of being in this loop. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I have pretty bad anxiety, but they both get exacerbated by my sleep apnea. The stimulants I'm trying work well for the day but crash me out when I feel like I need an extra boost (getting things done at night.) I feel like that meme where it's a person begging their brain to please start something and it says "no" and then ask what about finishing something and it also says "no."
The factors I think are adding to this: I have a new job that I started less than a month ago, that I moved across the country less than a couple months ago, my partner has been sick, and I'm working another job in the evening (probably the biggest contributor.)
When I get home at 5, I prepare to work a role in a caring profession from 6-9pm. So I'm beat. My brain can only think of wanting to watch tiktok and fall asleep on the couch after, even though I KNOW I want to take a shower. But showers are boring. I have to listen to a podcast to help me get through it. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But my speaker is still packed away in a box somewhere. So then I feel less motivated to do it until I have to (the next morning when my face is itchy from makeup.)
I will finish my second job next week and be able to only work one job for the next few months, which I'm so excited about! I will have more time to relax! And workout!
In the meantime though, I'm afraid I still won't be able to get out of this loop, even after I quit that job. In the past, I will have streaks of being on top of it and then stop. Learning about neurodivergence, I recognize that my consistency may not look like doing the same thing every day. But if I could just get the majority of the days where I wash my face, brush my teeth, and at least use my night guard if I can't lay in bed to use my CPAP, I would feel tremendously better.
Here are things I have tried:
- shaming myself (so so results)
- trying to map out a routine with my therapist (also so so, I'm finding it hard to stick to it, and we've been talking about other things recently)
- having my partner shake me awake if I fall asleep on the couch (doesn't work)
- put a block on TikTok (I've removed it :'( )
- body double my partner (sometimes works, but he sleeps later than I do, so I fall asleep on the couch)
- yell at myself (also so so)
- try and be a little self compassionate and talk to myself like a little kid (I could be better about being consistent on this)
- if I had makeup wipes, I'd keep them on the coffee table but I need to find one that doesn't irritate my skin
- set timers (after a while I ignore)
I know I likely won't find one magical thing that will work and will have to try things differently every month or so. I feel ridiculous that this is so hard. But I'm suffering. My skin is awful, my jaw hurts, I'm getting horrible sleep, and it's affecting work. I don't want to keep doing this!
Any suggestions to get out of this loop would be great. Not super open to "just have more willpower" because I don't think that's how behavior change happens. But open to other things! Thank you. |
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